Monday, March 8, 2010

Boys. And Spring Break.

I have not posted in a while. I apologize. Time seems to have escaped me and, when I did have a free moment, I have chosen to spend it elsewhere.

What is happening? Well, I am finally home for Spring Break and all is right with the world once more. Life is meant to be shared and lived with a family, and I am so grateful to be with mine once again. I feel like I am actually catching up on my sleep and enjoying my days once more, instead of falling asleep and waking again with a To Do list running through my mind. Oh, don't be too surprised. There is a To Do list accompanying me on this vacation, but it is a small-ish, manageable one. I'll work through it a little at a time.

Interesting news: a boy is talking to me. I am more than certain he will never read this, so I'm going to go ahead and talk about it. He is in two of my classes, and he friend requested me last week. Being the rather clueless person I am (truly), I did not recognize his name or picture and, of course, didn't accept... until he sent me a facebook message yesterday, asking me how things were going, and I suddenly realized who he was and accepted the request. A bit of snooping on his FB revealed some promising things: he is a Christian and is actively involved in his church, he wears a True Love Waits ring, we have similar movie interests.
We have chatted a little in class, but most of it has been my doing, since he seemed sort of quiet and absorbed in his own buddies. I've actively tried to strike up conversation with the few people who have back-to-back classes together and it seems to have worked.

But as usual, I'm hitting some roadblocks.
1. Though he has actively pursued conversation with me for two days straight - literally all day, both days - it has all been electronic so far. No actual phone calls or even real conversation in person, just FB and texting.
2. He has not asked me out, yet, despite some obvious flirting. (I realize he is probably waiting to do this in person... hopefully). Still, there has been no hint of "let's get coffee sometime" or "oh, yes, we should go see that movie!" or "hey, want to walk with me to the next hall and we can talk as we go?"
3. I am not feeling excited like I usually do when a new boy catches my eye. I suppose it is because we're not face to face, but I also seem to be struggling with an inherent expectation of disappointment. I've had too many boys act like they're interested, only to find out that they weren't thinking that way at all. It makes me feel used. I've been the pseudo-girlfriend quite a bit and it makes me just disbelieve boys who actually flirt with me. Sure, you're talking to me now, but it's only because you're bored and it's nice to have a best girl-friend around until you meet someone you actually like. Thanks.
4. I cannot flirt. Too much of it relies on sarcasm, which I don't understand because I typically believe what people tell me. Mostly, I'm just sweet and sincere. Most of you (if anyone is reading this) will insist that sweet and sincere is a good thing. However, it does not seem to attract boys. Well, that's not exactly true. It attracts sweet and sincere boys who are usually too nerdy, too awkward, or too strange for my tastes. (By this logic, one might easily deduce that I am probably too nerdy, too awkward, or too strange for the kinds of boys I am attracted to. Thus, my problem).
5. I've not really been attracted to, or involved with a boy since Dustin and I broke up. It's a silly thing to worry about, but I do not know, yet, how that previous relationship will affect my next one. I know that there were certain things about me that really bothered Dustin and I was aware of this. I worked hard to keep certain aspects of my personality in check because of it. It made me afraid of some situations and gave me expectations of how a boy responds to certain things about me. I am worried that these things that I learned in that relationship will damage or hinder the next. While I want to move on (obviously), I am also not looking forward to facing, and dealing with, those fears and habits.

I suppose we'll see what happens! Of course, it's all so incredibly early to be even worrying about this stuff, but I am a daydreamer through and through, and I like to think ahead. Brain dumping is what this blog is for! Tata for now!