This will also be the third night in a row that I've cried over the going-back-to-school thing. I've been thinking a lot about it and not going is absolutely not an option. Why, then, am I so upset?
I like having a family. I love being in a home where I know that down the hall is someone(s) who loves me very, very much. Someone who doesn't mind me being makeup-less or goofy. Someone who supports my dreams, like my Mom, or who loves to just sit with me and read, like Melanie. Someone who loves to share things with me, like Dad. People I belong to.
At school, I don't have that family. It's just me, making friends with people who probably won't be a part of my life in six months, let alone six years. I like having a team that I see every day. I like supporting my teammates and I love being loved by them. When you're in those beginning stages of a relationship - and nearly all relationships in college are in beginning stages - you don't share love and support. It's all about the fun, getting used to each other. You can't rely on those beginning stage relationships for anything more than a fun night out or a little help with homework. Those people don't see you and say "You look tired, have you been sleeping okay?" They don't laugh at you and tell stories about "that one time...."
I was also very shocked at the lack of enthusiasm about anything I wanted to do this past year. I admit that I do have the dreams of a middle-aged woman. If given the choice of traveling the world with a band and moving into a home in the suburbs, I'd pick the home any day. I'd rather wake up and make coffee and run errands to the grocery and cleaners than go to work at a huge office. I like to go to bed early, I'm a morning person, I eat healthy food and don't drink, I knit, I read... Basically I'm all of everything "not cool" in the dictionary, not to mention my parents are happily married and still madly in love. Most kids I've met think that's the most un-natural thing ever. To them, it's not reality and I've been reassured that the chances of me meeting someone and staying married for more than 2 years are 1:1,000,000,000. That breaks my heart. I don't believe them, but I feel sorry that someone could have so little faith.
I think it's interesting how truly important my dreams are to me. I never realized before how very serious I was about my plans for the future -whether they be what kind of house I'd like to have or what I want for Christmas - until this past year at school. Before, in high school, I was in an environment where everyone is unique and is supported. No one ever said anything against my talking about what I'd like the sunroom to look like or how many roses I want in my wedding or what kind of minivan I will drive. These things were admired by my peers because they were almost exclusively from two-parent homes where mom stays at home and raises the kids while dad provides. At Belmont, however, I was suddenly surrounded by people who believed my life was something you only see on television. They were also people who had been raised in schools where teasing and criticism were the norm. I was devastated.
The solution is simple, right? Don't take them seriously or don't let something like a silly idea such as what kind of coffee pot you'll have someday be so important to you. The latter I've found increasingly hard to do. My dreams fuel me. I need those little ideas to keep me energized about today. It's not negative - I KNOW that most of those things will never happen - but the idea of them gives me the boost to do things today that might help me reach those goals. Now I must simply teach myself not to take them seriously. Or make new friends.
I'm leaning toward the latter of those two.
But that puts me back at the beginning, in relationships that I can't rely on.
School = trying to run through water. Hard, painful, and pointless. How will I ever learn to swim?