Knitting? Yeah, haven't been doing that much lately. Between twice-a-week Program Board Meetings and 3 hours minimum in the PB office, two-hour-a-day sorority recruitment practice and Dr. Byrne's 30+ pages per night of reading, I'm barely treading water. I was called yesterday and asked if I would make 200 cupcake-cheesecakes for next Friday. I said yes (bangs head against wall). I'm such an idiot.
I've done a lot of deep thinking lately. I don't like deep thinking, but it's time to do some.
Two of my close buddies here are seriously considering transferring. Both are figuring out what they'll do in the future. I've been thinking about that, too. After I graduate, do I want to get a job with a big business? Become a manager or founder of a small business? Start my own wedding planning or knitting shop? If I did decide to do one of those things, I need to get involved with those businesses and learn about them. I do have a better idea of what I like to do: I like to work with people, to interact with customers and be in an active space. In other words, it's time to start planning, preparing and saving.
I still feel insecure here. I love being with my family and I don't like living somewhere where I don't feel like I have anyone who 'takes care of me.' I don't mean that I need someone cooking my meals and doing my laundry, I mean purely in a social and emotional sense. I am myself when I feel safe, and I feel safe when I'm with people I've known for a looong time. This is why I love spending time with Maura or Deborah or other high school friends. Why I love being at home with my Mom. These people know me and love me and I trust them. Sure, I have friends here, but none that are close like that. Not yet, anyway.
I don't mean that I can't make new friends. I can and do enjoy making new friends. But I feel like I need the support and reassurance of my family and old friends on a more regular basis than I'm receiving now. If I spend a couple hours with my family or an old friend every day, I make new friends faster. Does that make sense?
A friend today told me that I should try and find my security within myself, to learn to create my own security where I am and not rely on my family so much.
I believe this reliance on my family developed in middle school, when I changed schools after 5th grade and then after 6th grade and again after 7th grade. We also changed churches within those years. I was in a different environment every year and wasn't allowed to create and keep friendships for an extended period of time. The only people who remained constant in that turmoil were my family members.
Now I need to decide if my friends' idea that now is the time to "break away and create your own path" is the correct one, or simply a result of public schools encouraging separation from family as part of life. There are no great emotional or social or other disfunctions in my family. We're very healthy people - both mind and body.
What to do? *sigh*
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